Touch Me Tuesday: The Insecure Mate

Relationships are often complicated by a number of different factors: expectations, morals, belief systems, motivations, finances, time, and emotions, to name a few. One of the most self-sabotaging factors that can bring a relationship to a quick halt, though, is Emotional Insecurity.

Insecurity is defined as a lack of confidence or assurance; having self-doubt. When the element of emotion is added, the definition can be expanded to include a sense of general unease when one perceives him or herself to be vulnerable in some way. This person will often lack trust in both themselves and others, and expects that they will be let down by their mate or something will eventually “go wrong” within the relationship.

Many times, emotional insecurity is born from the sense of lacking control over a situation (or even a person). More often than not, insecurity is rooted in fear: fear of loss, fear of heartache, fear of disappointment. And this fear has probably developed as a result of previous experiences. You were cheated on once by a past love, and because of this, you expect that your new S.O. (significant other) will cheat on you, too!

So, how does emotional insecurity differ from simply being scared?

Well, when you are scared of something, it’s because you’ve been hurt by that object before. You’re scared of bees because you were once stung by a bee. Insecurity, on the other hand, is an irrational fear. Yes, you were cheated on before, but the person you are currently seeing wasn’t the culprit, neither have they done anything to lead you to believe that they too will cheat on you!

It’s the baggage that you carry from one relationship into the next that causes you to be insecure.

Every new relationship deserves it’s own “clean slate.” I know that who we are is a culmination of our past experiences. But some of us have to do a better job of cleansing ourselves of the damages we suffered in previous relationships before moving forward into the next. And then once in that new circumstance, give the new person the respect of being an individual with his or her own set of character traits.

Nothing truly great has been born of fear…but plenty has been destroyed by it!


  • Tex the Luscious

    (June 22, 2011 - 8:33 am)

    Good stuff.

  • Totally on point. However, what about when you get into the statistics? Nearly half of all people admit to being unfaithful at some point in their lives. Is it fair to say that the insecurity and fears are based on understanding the reality of human nature?

    • I wouldn’t say that fear or insecurity should ever be based on human nature. Caution, definitely! There’s probabilities in everything. But when you allow insecurity or fear to guide your decision making or your actions, it’s rare that you are truly making the situation better. Wow, why does it seem like we’re discussing American foreign policy?!

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