Views & Vibes

(Originally published in Jolie Magazine Online April 2007, by Tariiq Omari Walton)

The first mistake a woman can make in pursuing a man is…Pursuing A Man.Yes, we in this society have tried to shun as many traditional relationship roles as possible in our search for gender equality. But that pursuit, which should be defined as courting, is still a one-way street based on our cultural norms. Men should be courting women; not the other way around. Believe me; if a man has to be pursued, then he doesn’t want to be caught!

The second major mistake women make is having sex with a man, believing either: 1) sex constitutes grounds for a commitment; or 2) the man will be so “Turned-Out” that he will be powerless to tell the woman ‘no’. Even though men (myself included) have to do a better job with acknowledging the expectation that many women attach to intercourse and not allowing ourselves to get caught up in the moment, just because two people do have a sexual encounter does not guarantee a commitment. And no matter how good you believe your…umm…“friend” is, she won’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept!

A third mistake is always taking the lead in making plans. Simple and plain, it sets a bad precedence. A young woman once told me that she was the one to initiate dates with her now ex-boyfriend, and she found herself consistently being the one to make the plans throughout the relationship. He didn’t put any effort forth in the process, always leaving it up to her where they were going to go and what they were going to do. And guess who oft times was the one picking up the tab?

Another big mistake women make while pursing men is allowing unanswered phone calls, broken dates, and non-returned text messages to infuriate them. Don’t feel like you have to push so hard to get his attention. If he’s not getting back to you, then he’s showing you that he may not be that interested, because any man who is really digging a woman will make himself available to her. Maybe not always when you want him, but regularly enough so there aren’t any questions.

And that point leads me to the fifth and what may be the biggest mistake women make in pursuit of a man: Ignoring the Signs. If you feel like you must pursue someone, you’re going to ignore many of the things that person is showing you. Say if you’re following someone in a car, you may run a red light or a stop sign because you won’t take your eyes off of that person’s bumper. Keep your eyes and ears open. Because we are not in the habit of telling women what’s on our mind, outside of being caught up in that “intimate moment”, a man’s inactions can be more telling of his greater intentions than his actions. If a man calls you only after night fall a couple of days a week, but you don’t hear from him any other time, it’s the not hearing from him that should speak the loudest.